Excerpt:
I
returned to the room and knocked, entering at the direction of The Chosen
One... who stood in front of the mirror wearing nothing but his Chosen
underwear and the tyrian purple cloak wrapped around his shoulders. His chest
was puffed out, and his enormous, muscular limbs flexed this way and that as he
posed himself in dramatic battle postures with his famous great sword. Every
inch of visible skin was hairless and glistening. He had worked up a sweat
admiring himself, and I could still smell the liquor on him.
"Um..."
I mumbled, wondering if I should return at a more convenient—and less
embarrassing—time. Much to my chagrin, he didn't stop flexing on my account.
"Go
ahead and pack," he grunted as he clenched his stomach to make all of his
tightly bound abdomen muscles pop. "I'll wait for the pressed
clothes." He turned to the side and threw the cloak over his shoulder so
he could admire his hips and backside, casting daring glances at his tiny
embroidered face on the seat of his underpinnings through the polished brass.
I
was certain my own face was scarlet as I skirted past him to gather up
everything and return the items to the trunks that seemed the most appropriate.
The entire time I worked, he didn't break from his posturing, and I wondered if
it was a form of exercise for him, or if it merely exercised his ego. My work
was hastened by embarrassment, and when I was done, I silently took up the
first Tome of Tiberius. I turned my back, ignoring his grunting and wheezing,
and flipped to chapter 3, skimming for the most pertinent pieces of
information. I needed to know how to handle The Chosen One's finances.
I
quickly learned it was my duty to draw up contracts when The Chosen One agreed
to take a deal, enforce the contracts, and collect the fees. It was my duty to
arrange for appraisers, auctioneers, and moneychangers to convert any
"spoils" of The Chosen One's labors—those that he did not keep for
his personal collection—to coin. It was my duty to ensure there was sufficient
coin for The Chosen One to live whatever lifestyle he chose and to fund any
campaign. Incidentals incurred as a direct result of a campaign—such as bribing
furious husbands—came from funds before they were deposited into a bank and
Tiberius' percentage was calculated. There was a list of "lifestyle"
actions that came from the bank and were not considered incidentals; "donations
and women" were on that list. Thus, I assumed him throwing coins into the
crowd was not an incidental, either, but came from The Chosen One's own bank
holdings.
"You
need to plot a course for Vevesk," The Chosen One said between poses.
"They have vampire stoats."
"What,"
I asked, slightly startled by the break in silence. "What is a
stoat?"
"I
think they said it was like a long rat." He glanced over at me. "Find
out. And find out how to kill it."
I
stared at him until his self-admiration embarrassed me enough to look away.
"You don't know how to kill them?"
"I
assume I cut them up enough, they'll die," he quipped. "You need to
figure out how it happened so I can stop it. Evil wizard, ancient curse,
typical vampirism, that sort of thing."
"I
have to learn what caused this outbreak of blood-sucking long rats?" I
asked, incredulously. Surely he was jesting. That was his job.
"Chapter
2," he said, stripping off the cloak so he could better admire his
shoulders.
I
grimaced and turned to the second chapter in the Tome of Tiberius. This
detailed how I was to conduct necessary research for a campaign and
successfully translate it to The Chosen One, for him to then implement that
knowledge to complete his feats of heroism. I sighed deeply. "There is no
university here to hold historical works, and many of the larger temples do not
have any books in them at all. I will need to visit the Wizards' Guild, the
Questers' Guild, and the Scriveners' Guild," I explained.
"Go
quickly," he ordered without sympathy. "We leave soon."
I
gritted my teeth and rose from my chair, throwing Tiberius' quill and a stack
of paper sheets into my shoulder bag. It was all but impossible to do the kind
of research this would require in only a handful of hours. So, I ran.
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